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Gym Locker Room Etiquette
Health clubs are banning cell phones. Many of you probably thought, gee that’s nice to see courtesy encouraged. WRONG. The rule has nothing to do with manners. Cell phones are prohibited to keep pictures from being taken in the locker rooms.
Sounds nasty, right? Who’d want pictures of those flabby old men with their loose skin and old…?
In my estimation - judging from my gym - this rule is less about keeping perverts from taking pics, and more about discouraging men who secretly hope to pose for them.
Women would be shocked to learn the celebration of male nudity in these locker rooms. These guys love to be naked, it seems like they love to be watched, and they might even love to being photoed.
Understand that I am in no way homophobic. It’s not a matter of orientation; no self-respecting gay man wants to be exposed to what’s behind those doors. It’s not the toned guys that are always naked - it’s the dumpy, pasty ones - the ones that make you wonder if they actually work out or just come for the male-on-male nudity.
In response, I am implementing a set of rules to define gym-locker-room-etiquette.
1) Be naked as briefly as possible - when changing clothes, full, or partial, nudity is inevitable. However, there is no reason to be naked for more then three seconds. Old underwear comes off - new ones go on. Same thing with towels - towels come off - underwear goes on - and vice versa. Keep tops on while changing bottoms - keep bottoms on while changing tops. And please, do not walk around with your towel in your hand. That’s an insult to as all. It’s already in your hand! You have no excuse! Put is around your waste!
2) Do not walk barefoot in the bathroom - those are your own feet and your own problem, however, the rest of us see the dribbles in front of the urinal and don’t need mental images of bare feet stepping in them. We can’t always wait one hour after eating to exercise; we don’t need help vomiting.
The remaining rules were implied in the first rule - however, every rule is implied through common sense but is constantly violated - therefore, they must be specified.
3) Be naked as briefly as possible - in case you forgot.
4) Do not initiate conversation while naked/ do not initiate with else who is naked - this is not a nudist colony. They don’t want to speak to you.
5) Do not stand with one foot on the bench - (also known as “having a little Captain in you”) we don’t want to see your boys hanging in glory.
5) Do not dangle your stuff over the sink - some guys like to fix their hair in the mirror while their fellas swing to and fro. We put our hands, faces, and, when brushing, our mouths in the sink. Once again, we don’t want that mental image, and we certainly don’t want to find any curlies.
6) The blow dryer is for hair (on your head!) - at least once a week, I see guys using the dryer for specific body parts. Don’t do it! DON’T DO IT!
Those are the rules. You may pay a lot for your gym memberships, but so do we.
Follow the rules and make the most awkward and uncomfortable part of our days just a little more tolerable.
Otherwise, join a nudist colony. You won’t have to pretend to workout. You can do your Captain pose and have as many pictures taken of you as you want.
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