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What's the Deal With Scientology?

Can Scientology really be that strange; stranger than invisible men in sandals, seven-headed snakes, or monkey heads?  I had to know so I checked out the official website and honestly nothing I saw was that bad.  Some things I kind of agreed with; they don’t believe in an absolute right or wrong but view virtue in degrees.  That works for me.  It definitely fits in more to our post-Einstein relativity era.  They also encourage reason over blind faith; post enlightenment stuff, I can dig it.   Finally, they believe the human mind has abilities which we do not yet realize.  Sweet, that’s some quantum mechanics action for your dome piece.  All you motivational types who say we only use 10% of our brains should like that one (that’s B.S. by the way.)  Tom Cruise might be a pretty bad actor and closet-case, but that’s no reason to hate on an entire religion.  Or is it?  

            Me being the devoted columnist I am, I didn’t stop there.  I researched what some of the opposers were saying and still wasn’t down on the old COS.  Apparently, it’s more like a business than a religion because you have to pay these “Operating Thetans” for auditing to help rid you of “unwanted spiritual conditions.”  Okay, so they want to make a buck.  This is a capitalist society, and if you believe in your message, you would have to spread the word.  That requires cash money.  Is your church’s collection plate so much different?  The most charitable Americans are the poorest ten percent; they give to their churches.  Furthermore, people are baffled that it takes such an opposition to psychology and psychiatry.  As if those fields aren’t completely freaking subjective; is behaviorism your gospel, Dr. Phil your messiah?  Since when is feuding with a particular field of science new for religions?  

Creationists still believe in Adam and Eve, for Darwin’s sake.  Finally, there are claims that Scientology encourages the abuse of their critics.  That one I can’t say I condone.  But again, is your religion so much better?  Christians had their crusades, Muslims have their Jihad, and Evangelicals say we deserved 9/11.  Of course those are generalizations, but everything you think about Scientology probably is too.  Not many people did research before they laughed at John Travolta.  I guess judgment is not reserved for God anymore.

            Let’s get to the bottom of it.  Besides all of the cookie celebrities attached to it, the problem people have with this religion is all the supposed, weird alien crap.  South Park and talk show hosts have us convinced that Scientology teaches that we are all haunted by the spirits of aliens.  Xenu, a galactic emperor, banished them here and killed them in our volcanoes 75 million years ago.  He then captured their spirits on Earth and made them watch movies that implemented false realities into their brains.  These false realities now cause us to believe the lies of Christianity, Taoism, Judaism, etc. .  Pretty crazy, right?  This is only speculation, however.  The website and the books don’t discuss any of that.  But that’s because “this is taught only to the higher members of the church and not the public.”  This controversy makes me wonder who’s crazier; a church that teaches this ridiculous stuff or cynics that would make it all up.  I guess that’s beside the point.  For the sake of argument, let’s assume they do believe in Xenu and the alien spirits.  That doesn’t give other religious people the right to look down on it.  All religions require faith; belief in the unseen.  You can’t judge a religion because of how realistic you think the beliefs are.  Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. 

            But because I don’t believe in a damn thing, I'm going to judge all I want.  On a scale of wacky faiths, Scientologists might be a notch or two below the widely accepted Abrahamic religions.  First of all, Scientologists don’t dispute all the fundamental origin of the universe.  They don’t contest the big bang theory or evolution, they’ve just added some kooky, new wrinkles to the history of time.  I am more inclined to believe that aliens exist somewhere in this infinite universe, than to believe that angels exist in some parallel plane just above the clouds.  A galactic empire seems more feasible than some magical place without pain or jealously where everybody lives happily eternally after.  Mother Goose didn’t even try to sell us that one.  And at least Scientologists don’t claim that Xenu is an all seeing, all knowing, infallible, infinitely good, being…yet bad things happen to good people.  And what about this holy trinity?  Can someone explain that one to me?  “The father is God, the son is God, and the Holy Spirit is God, yet there are not three Gods but one God,” huh?  Too bad Hubbard didn’t think of that for one of his sci-fi novels.  At least they admit that their teachings were written by a man and don’t claim that God writes books.  And the thought of alien spirits is a little crazy, but I don’t believe in an afterlife at all.  It doesn’t matter if they’re angels or aliens, I don’t believe in ghosts.          

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a scientologist.  Don’t put me in an SNL skit next to Katie Holmes, or ban me from visiting Germany.  I just think you’re all goofy.